Let the iWhining commence!

No sooner did Steve Jobs exit stage left than the Internet megaverse breathed a collective sigh of “That’s it???” Users were stunned, stunned! that the new iPad did not, in fact, fellate its users while mowing the lawn, doing your taxes and stealing the rounded off pennies from every transaction at your local banking institution. The outcries came fast and hard. What do you mean it only surfs the net, reads books, plays games, movies, music, and organizes your existence…wirelessly…all on a single glass-top touchscreen? The internet community is now working itself into a frenzy over the fact that the iPad did not live up to the over ten years of speculation they created. It’s like watching a monkey get upset when the finger in his ass comes out smelling like crap.

Yes, it’s a big iPod Touch. It’s a very big, fancy, shiny, iPod Touch. There’s no disputing that fact. It has some glaring shortcomings (No USB port? And where the hell is the camera? Seriously even the iPod Nano has one of those!), but if he had announced a “MacBook Tablet” that had video, widescreen, USB, SD slot etc etc, the price point would have started at no less than $1,000. Then what? Instead of bitching about the “underwhelming” iPad, there would be outcries of “it’s too expensive! We can’t afford this amazing device!” The Internet monster is never happy.

You did this to yourself, Internet. For more than a decade the online community has been speculating about the possible features, specs, and design. What would it look like? What would it do? How many buttons would it have? On paper (or…on internet), the Apple Tablet was going to be the most amazing piece of digital hardware ever conceived by man. It was going to reunite families, cure Cancer and tell you what phase the Moon was on your birthday. Oh and it would be made from unicorn hair, powered by wishes and make grape soda, too!

One thing the online community didn’t take into consideration (one thing the Internet almost never takes into consideration…) was this unfortunate condition known as Reality. Sure, it’s nice to say that the Apple Tablet simply must have a camera both in front and back, but you don’t have to cram it into a super-thin, 1.5 pound piece of aluminum and glass, do you? NO. The slackjawed, hairy-palmed denizens of the Internet can simply sit behind their webcams and post Youtube videos about what it should have been. No thought or consideration to the fact that the device is essentially just a toy for middle-aged affluent tech-whores and will likely not become a major seller for Apple (Macbook Air, anyone?).

I admit it, there is nothing spectacular about an oversized iPod Touch. I was hoping for at least one killer feature (Video chat? More than one freaking app at a time? Are you listening, Apple?). I’m sure they will roll out one or two new features for the iPad 2, forcing everyone to do another round of hype, anticipation, expectation and then consolation. If the reclusive, unwashed masses of the Interwebs would stop frothing at the mouth for two seconds, they would see that the intended market for this device is netbook/e-ink readers. In this respect, the iPad completely destroys the competition in most respects. Who wants a black & white Kindle when you can have an iPad for almost the same price? Go ahead, I’ll wait while you compare the specs.

See? Now shut up and go buy an iPad already.
You know you’re going to anyway.

Ed. Note: Contrary to popular belief. I will not be purchasing an iPad. It doesn’t run OS X, so I can’t work on it, and I already have an iPhone and a laptop. Personally, I’d rather have a new MacBook Pro (*hintity hint hint*)