Now, while I look back on most of my Cancer experiences as being negative, this is actually one part that has turned out to be a positive thing. In the moment, my then-wife and I were devastated—not being able to have kids was almost as bad as the Cancer itself! Well, if you know me personally, you’ll know that things didn’t work out between me and my now EX-wife. Today the thought of being tied to her by children still frightens me, especially knowing how close we were to getting pregnant. So at the time, sterility was actually a good thing.

As with most things in life, over time things change. Every year I paid $300 to keep my frozen boys on ice at a lab downtown, hoping that some day a nice girl would be willing to go through the process of using my frozen man chowder to make a mini-me. I’ve had a few awkward conversations with girlfriends involving me explaining the arduous, lengthy procedure that is artificial insemination. Surprisingly, most girls I’ve dated since The Ex have been at least open to the process (which may or may not be a testament to the quality of girls I date).

For years I had been delivering jars of “Essence of Travis” to a lab to be tested. In most cases, handing over a jar of self-produced baby batter to a young, attractive girl would get you arrested. In this case, all she does is ask really awkward questions.

“Uh…about 35 minutes ago? Uh…yeah…manual masterbation. No…I didn’t use lubrication…”

(While I’m on the subject, why do these labs always have the absolute cutest, most angelic-looking receptionists? Why can’t I turn it over to that middle-aged lab tech dude instead? Or some kind of anonymous drop box where I can fill out like a bank deposit slip?)

They say if you don’t have any sperm production after the first year in remission, you’re probably in the 50% of men who don’t get their fertility back. Three years on I was still shooting blanks. I had resigned myself to always need to have my iced T’s when, in the fourth year, I finally got a positive result. Was it millions of sperm like a normal person? Or even hundreds of thousands? Even a few thousand? No…my sperm count was…one. Not out of ten, not one percent. One. I named him Samuel Westinghouse III. I figured he should be memorialized in some capacity.

In a practical sense, I was still as sterile as ever. The human male average about 20 million sperm per ejaculation. I had one. ONE. Now I can still hear my Grade 6 Health teacher saying “It only takes one!”, but if there’s only one, it would have to be like the Michael Phelps of sperm. I’d need a pretty competent doctor—or C3P0—to tell me the exact odds, but either way they can’t be good.

About six months ago I did another test. This time, the results were in the millions! The only problem was that—according to the lab—most of the three million sperm I had were “abnormal”. Images of two-headed, five-armed babies began to dance in my head. I later learned that deformed/abnormal sperm simply won’t make the trip to Egg Town, which is one of the most calming examples of natural selection I can think of. The doctors told me that the chances of getting pregnant were “incredibly” small, so there was next to no chance of getting a girl pregnant, even under the “best of circumstances” (like even with Marvin Gaye playing in the background?). My current girlfriend—who was not on any birth control at the time—decided to throw caution to the wind. Because what difference would it make if we were careful? I was sterile, right?

Of course, as per the Law of Murphy, you probably know where this story is going:

Hey Infertility caused by Cancer, F*** you!

To quote Han Solo: “Never tell me the odds!”

The amount of effort the developers went into the galactic history is outstanding. There are at least two dozen races, each with its own history and politics carefully woven into the backstory. There are no throwaway races or strange creatures just there for random shots in a cantina scene. Each race has its part to play and a role to fill, from the all-female blue tentacled Asari to the hilariously deadpan Elcor. Each NPC you come across has interesting and unique dialogue that expands on the characteristics of each race. As you go through the game you see how the different races act and treat each other, which adds so much to the immersion level. Being able to pick your own dialogue options personalizes your game, sucking your even further in. The “Good” and “Evil” options are back, and let you shape your character to match your personality, though most of the “Evil” choices are still mostly just you being a dick.

If you finished Mass Effect 1, you can actually import your character and pick up right where you left off, even taking into account which of the several endings you achieved. Watching ‘Victoria Shepard’ walk onto the screen for the first time in over a year brought back all kinds of warm fuzzy memories of late nights playing the first game. Then they blow up your ship and hurl you into the icy black vacuum of space. From there it only gets better as you catch up on the past two years of galactic turmoil. The story in this game is the best feature of this series, and so far ME2 does not disappoint.

That isn’t to say that Mass Effect was a game without flaws. On the contrary, the wonderful story was marred by clunky third-person action, the awful inventory management system, and some absolutely painful load “scenes” involving you just standing around listening to musak, unable to move. Those elevator rides actually made me change the order I did quests, because I didn’t want to have to endure another long loading scene. Luckily, most of these issues have been addressed. The action seems more fluid, and the ‘cover’ system actually works pretty well, resulting in only a few battle injuries from not being able to “stick” to cover.

Inventory management? What inventory management? The first game had too much going on. Thousands of unique items, guns, and upgrades, all completely customizable for each of your characters. I would get lost in the pages upon pages of add-ons and crap it was barely usable. For this instalment, however, you actually don’t do much of anything. Guns are quite rare, like I’m 5 hours into the game and I have received one new gun, and it’s a pistol. You then simply assign that model to each character and off you go. No need to purchase one for each person, and upgrades apply universally to all teammates automatically. I don’t even think you manage armour any more, you just purchase tech upgrades for it.

The first game had a unique take on the whole ‘ammo’ thing; you had unlimited ammo, but your gun would overheat after so many shots. ME2 has implemented the concept of ‘thermal clips’. So you still have unlimited ammo, but in order to fire at all you need to have thermal clips. The clips are supposed to be universal, but you can’t transfer clips between guns once picked up, and you can only carry so many clips per gun. So my amazing sniper rifle has a grand total of TEN FUCKING SHOTS, resulting a lot of battles where the first wave of enemies are killed no problem, and then I run in with a fucking pistol trying to recover some more sniper ammo. This. Is. Bullshit! I see what they’re trying to do, but it’s a little TOO simplistic.

Oh, and they’ve changed the way you navigate through space. Instead of looking at the map, picking a destination, and then flying there, you now need to FLY YOURSELF. Like using the joystick. Like the same was as in the game Asteroids. I’m the god-dammed Captain, why the fuck am I flying around manually? You can’t even zoom out your view to see a whole system or stellar cluster, costing you time and fuel just trying to figure out where the fuck you are. This is one of only two instances where the first game is actually better. I keep flying past my destination (thanks inertia!…asshole…) and using all my fuel. Which reminds me, how come the first ship had no need for refuelling? I’m sure it’s explained in the backstory (everything else is), but I see it for what it is: stupid.

There seems to be a bit of “Goldilocks Syndrome” going on here. The first game was ambitious and groundbreaking, but a little too bloated in certain areas. The second instalment has a little too much stripped away, but replaced in certain places by just more mindless bullshit (Manually scanning planet surfaces? Go eat a dick!). I’m hoping Mass Effect 3 balances them to make at least one ‘perfect’ game. Then I hope they go back and re-release all three games as a trilogy with the upgraded graphics and perfected game mechanics. Then I can spend the next 40 years of my life playing through repeatedly, trying to get every ending using both good and bad characters.

Rating: 5/5

Yes, it’s a big iPod Touch. It’s a very big, fancy, shiny, iPod Touch. There’s no disputing that fact. It has some glaring shortcomings (No USB port? And where the hell is the camera? Seriously even the iPod Nano has one of those!), but if he had announced a “MacBook Tablet” that had video, widescreen, USB, SD slot etc etc, the price point would have started at no less than $1,000. Then what? Instead of bitching about the “underwhelming” iPad, there would be outcries of “it’s too expensive! We can’t afford this amazing device!” The Internet monster is never happy.

You did this to yourself, Internet. For more than a decade the online community has been speculating about the possible features, specs, and design. What would it look like? What would it do? How many buttons would it have? On paper (or…on internet), the Apple Tablet was going to be the most amazing piece of digital hardware ever conceived by man. It was going to reunite families, cure Cancer and tell you what phase the Moon was on your birthday. Oh and it would be made from unicorn hair, powered by wishes and make grape soda, too!

One thing the online community didn’t take into consideration (one thing the Internet almost never takes into consideration…) was this unfortunate condition known as Reality. Sure, it’s nice to say that the Apple Tablet simply must have a camera both in front and back, but you don’t have to cram it into a super-thin, 1.5 pound piece of aluminum and glass, do you? NO. The slackjawed, hairy-palmed denizens of the Internet can simply sit behind their webcams and post Youtube videos about what it should have been. No thought or consideration to the fact that the device is essentially just a toy for middle-aged affluent tech-whores and will likely not become a major seller for Apple (Macbook Air, anyone?).

I admit it, there is nothing spectacular about an oversized iPod Touch. I was hoping for at least one killer feature (Video chat? More than one freaking app at a time? Are you listening, Apple?). I’m sure they will roll out one or two new features for the iPad 2, forcing everyone to do another round of hype, anticipation, expectation and then consolation. If the reclusive, unwashed masses of the Interwebs would stop frothing at the mouth for two seconds, they would see that the intended market for this device is netbook/e-ink readers. In this respect, the iPad completely destroys the competition in most respects. Who wants a black & white Kindle when you can have an iPad for almost the same price? Go ahead, I’ll wait while you compare the specs.

See? Now shut up and go buy an iPad already.
You know you’re going to anyway.

Ed. Note: Contrary to popular belief. I will not be purchasing an iPad. It doesn’t run OS X, so I can’t work on it, and I already have an iPhone and a laptop. Personally, I’d rather have a new MacBook Pro (*hintity hint hint*)

I hereby declare:

• I reserve the right to swear, curse, defame, or besmirch as much I want. (Fuck yeah!)
• Everything I say is my opinion and it’s my bloody right to say it. (If you don’t like it, my opinion is that you can go fuck yourself)
• I will offend (Guaranteed!)

That’s all I can think of right now. I guess this website has been down since June 2006, so like 3.5 years? Yikes. I’ve decided that the website will never be officially “finished”, so I’m just going to add/change features as I see fit. First thing will be the design, that has to change. The “Photos” panel above was always supposed to be temporary. That will be upgraded to something more awesome in the near future. Also, when I decide what “style” the illustrations should be (needs to be something I can do quickly and easily and still easily produce a web file…ideas?)…I’ll start getting busy with the drawrings.

Oh yeah, and fix the damn Twitter feed. I don’t know nearly enough code to pull that off properly? I’m a Designer that Codes, not a Coder that Designs. There’s a difference. I’m proud that I’ve managed to cobble together a Wordpress template with sliding jQuery panels and sIFR. No, it doesn’t link to Digg or Twitter for realsies. I have the Digg part working, but I haven’t been able to figure out the Twitter part. I need it to:

1. Generate a shortened URL using ow.ly, bit.ly, or some other short URL generator
2. Open Twitter in a new window
3. Tell Twitter to put the shortened URL into the Tweet window

That doesn’t sound that hard, does it? Well Google is giving me nothing. I’d love to know how…

Which reminds me? Can anyone comment? I think I enabled it, but if all you’re going to do is offer me penis medication, I’m good, thanks. In fact, fuck right off.

I suppose after that I’ll redesign the look and/or feel. By then I should have a style idea.

I’ve gone through everything, and from a technical and/or creative standpoint, I think the following photos are my best photos taken in 2009. They are in no particular order. I am always looking to improve my photography skills, so if you have any technical or creative tips, I’d love some comments!

Click on photos for full-size version!

Ocean Says Hello

I took about an hour walking up and down the shore, trying to find a good spot where the waves really made a good splash at regular intervals. I kind of like the way the wave almost blends in with the clouds above. I didn’t do too much to it except bring up the colour a little bit.

On the Highway

We stopped by the side of the road to take some pictures of a wind farm in the distance. Not surprisingly the best shot was this one of Julie and not any of the turbines.

Old Steps

These steps are on Île d’Orleans near Québec and date back to the time of my first North American ancestor in the late 1600’s. They no longer go anywhere, and there are a bunch of other foundations and ruins in the immediate area.

Julie Doiron

Taken when Julie played the Black Sheep Inn. She was singing alone so her drummer was just sitting quietly in the dark. I like how they are lit completely differently – I assure you it’s just one shot! It’s a bit blurry, but I can live with it.

Watch Dog

This dog lives on the property at The Wilds in Newfoundland. He has been trained not to go into the dining room, so he just sits there watching.

Asha’s Victory Shot

This is my friend Asha after finishing her climb to the top of Signal Hill. The weather was really crappy but the Sun came out for just a brief minute while she caught her breath.

Mira Smiling

Okay Mira is doing most of the work here, but at least I captured the moment. I think this could be an even better shot if I could apply some serious Photoshop.

OLCO Station

Another good shot that was almost completely accidental. I was going for a nice ‘abandoned station’ shot, but I didn’t notice the bird in the shot until I got home. I think this shot has good direction.

Theresa Shirt

Theresa getting her shirt signed at the YACC Survivor Conference. I think the look on her face is perfect, and somehow the positive/negative space worked out.

Squirrel < Pumpkin

I caught a squirrel raiding a pumpkin at Saunder’s Farm. The little guy appeared to have had his way with a number of the pumpkins along the top shelf. I like the level of detail, especially in the wood. Having 12-megapixels really helps.

So what are your favourites? Any stand-out winner? Let me know!

My rules for being considered for this list are:

1. Album had to have been released during the 2009 calendar year
2. Must be a studio album – No live albums, compilations or best-of’s
3. Must be an album I own

So without further ado, here are my Top 5:

5. Strict Joy by The Swell Season

You may remember Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova’s debut album – the Academy Award-winning soundtrack to the film ‘Once‘, which they also starred in. Apparently winning an Oscar is good for the creative vibes, because they kept recording together and have produced a magnificent sophomoric effort, Strict Joy. The ‘indie’ vibe has been upgraded by a much more cohesive, filled-out sound, with longer, more explorative jams and new instruments. Warmly produced, carefully crafted, I hope to see The Swell Season put out a few more albums. Songs like “The Rain” and “High Horses” showcase Glen’s deep, soulful voice married flawlessly with Marketa’s sweet voice. What started out as a one-time collaboration is turning out to be one of the finest bands I’ve heard in years.

4. Vancouver by Matthew Good

Matt’s latest effort is a quasi-concept album centred around, well the city of Vancouver. I don’t really feel like it’s his best work to date – either with or without the “Band” – but it is a solid album, far better than 99% of the crap that’s out there. Since this is only the second album since his breakdown/breakthrough (depends how you look at being diagnosed bipolar), I consider this to be merely building to something epic to come. The songs are well-produced, with lush vocals and some excellent strings (“On Nights Like Tonight”). There’s not a lot on this album that really demonstrates a new direction, he’s just doing what he does really, really well. I would like to issue Matt a challenge to experiment a bit more for his ninth effort as he risks stagnation after eight melodic, dark rock albums.

3. I Can Wonder What You Did With Your Day by Julie Doiron

Julie has been releasing fantastic albums ever since her ‘Broken Girl’ days, this one is no exception. Former bandmate Rick White returns to produce his second album in a row, and his eclectic/artistic style is apparent and most welcomed. As far as building and perfecting the “Julie Doiron” sound, this album has a mix of solo and band-backed tracks, which makes for a well-paced and varied listening experience. Her soft, haunting vocals, perfectly compliment the low-fi sound. “Heavy Snow” is the stand-out track, featuring some amazing vocal layering. The bar has definitively been raised by this album, and I hope it’s only a matter of time before Julie Doiron is a household name.

2. Octahedron by The Mars Volta

After the mixed results of their previous couple albums, this album reaffirms my belief that The Mars Volta are one of the best progressive bands out there. Both a concept album and an attempt at a softer sound, this album is both groundbreaking and a return to form. See my full review.

1. Them Crooked Vultures

This is by far the best album I have heard all year. If you like rock/blues/jazz, you cannot go wrong with this one. Now, after a few weeks with this album, I am tempted to temper my opinion…slightly. You see, as time goes on, I think of TCV more as a Queens of the Stone Age album featuring Dave Grohl and John Paul Jones, rather than a ‘new’ sound entirely. Now I loves me some QOTSA, and the added jazz/blues influence that Jones brings combined with some outstanding drumwork by Grohl makes this the best Josh Homme album to date. Easily my favourite album of 2009. See my full review.

Honourable Mentions

The Resistance by Muse – This album completely changed my opinion of them. See my full review.

Hymn to the Immortal Wind by Mono – Total shoegaze. Totally awesome.

Old Crows/Young Cardinals by Alexisonfire – Another great album, just didn’t have that epic/unique quality that it needed for the Top 5.

Above the Earth, Below the Sky by If These Trees Could Talk – I do love the instrumental post-rock.

Biggest Let Downs of 2009

Battle for the Sun by Placebo – Really, their sound is just tired and no longer relevant. Evolve or die, people!

Tiny Pictures by Thornley – Okay so expectations were not high after their first album, but I was hoping the man behind the two phenomenal Big Wreck records might be able to rally and come up with something euphoric. *cue Price is Right ‘Fail’ sound*

No One’s First and You’re Next by Modest Mouse – Some unreleased/outtake material, probably should have stayed that way.

Sci-Fi Crimes by Chevelle – I already have like three Chevelle albums that sound just like this. I don’t know why I was hoping they’d do something different, but I’m still disappointed.

—

So there you have it. What do you think? (Comments to the right!) Stay tuned for my Best Albums of the 2000’s, coming soon!

I don’t know if it’s my disconnection with my French heritage (It’s pronounced Go-BAY, people!) or my inability to fully understand the subtleties of the French language. Somewhere between me not really “getting” French culture and me just not translating fast enough, it becomes hilarious. Most of the time they are gameshow-style shows not seen on English Canadian prime time in decades, dramas I can’t follow (I really need to speak French more often…) or news programs.

Well imagine my surprise the other day when I turn to channel 34 (I have no idea what channel that is on Cable…I think the channel is just called “V”) and I see Wipeout. My first instinct was to just keep going, but I stayed on it just long enough to see that it was not normal Wipeout. If you have ever watched the show you will hopefully understand when I say that the balls weren’t quite right.

So here I am, watching a version of Wipeout produced completely in Québec, and I’m thinking “How come they get Wipeout? I know the contest rules in this country, there’s probably no chance of me being allowed to join.” After a short moment of sheer outrage (I would rock that show. I would destroy it.) I just sat back and watched what I am telling you is the second funniest thing on TV, net to actual Wipeout.

It is not without its problems. Overall the sets seem a little…less ambitious than the American version. A smaller budget is obvious, but why is this version only half an hour long? What, I have to watch the Qualifier and then wait a week to see the Wipeout Zone? Fine. Second week, straight to the WZ, and why were they voting on a fifth person to do it? Stick to the format, people.

Here’s a prime example of my ignorance when it comes to Québécois culture:

Okay so the first guy is pretty good, the girl is fine but what the hell is up with that third guy? Is this supposed to be the French version of John Henson? Why did they feel the need to have a guy with a moustache and comically huge glasses? Is this what a “funny” guy looks like in Québec? I have no idea why this is funny.

Other than a dirty frenchman from the 70’s and some obvious French Canadian douchebags (or would they be translated to…showersacs?) this show is actually just a much shorter, less glossy version of the Wipeout you know and love. Only this one has phrases like “Mais c’est du fun ça”, my personal all-time favourite.

Dave Grohl.

“Okay…he’s been in other bands as a drummer before…”

Josh Homme.

“Really? I guess that makes sense, he’s worked with Grohl before. This could be good. Who’s on bass?”

John. Paul. Jones.

“….

…IWANTITIWANTITIWANTITIWANTIT!!!”

Okay, I’m a little biased. These are three members from three of my all-time favourite bands. Between Foo, Queens and Zeppelin there are numerous successful and critically-acclaimed albums. However, I tried to reserve judgement once I’d heard the actual material. To my relief, the album is really good, and totally worthy of a listen for anyone who likes any of the aforementioned bands. It’s a very warm and fuzzy rock album with something for anyone. If you can forget that it is being powered by three rock gods, it’s well above average compared to anyone on the rock scene at the moment.

The album, in all honesty, is not without it’s shortcomings. I had hoped that we would get a nice blend of the three musicians’ style and pedigree. Unfortunately, it feels more like a Josh Homme record featuring Grohn and Jones than something all three of them created. He simply overpowers it, which is a shame. There’s only a handful parts where I really felt the other members stood out and contributed their style rather than just following the lead. This could quite easily have been the next Queens of the Stone Age record and I doubt anyone would have noticed.

That being said, this album is a hard and heavy rocker that will please anyone with classic rock sensibilities. The best song on the album is by far “Scumbag Blues” with its organ solo and solid blues-rock feel. I don’t know if this album will ever be cherished higher than Songs for the Deaf, or The Colour and the Shape. And I doubt it will ever come close to being on the same level as any Zeppelin album…

…okay maybe Coda.

Rating: 5/5

A website is a little bit like a child. You conceive it (though using methods hopefully unlike the ones employed by humans) and grow it inside your computer, and – when it’s ready – you unleash it onto the world. Once you let your creation loose, however, you need to remember to feed it once in a while, maybe help it along in the world, make sure it’s doing alright. Even a mature website needs to be checked in with once in a while.

I am a very neglectful website owner. I haven’t even finished the “social media” aspects – Yeah those “Digg” and “Tweet” buttons don’t work…yet. I think I can make the Digg one fairly easily, and I’m sure there’s some way to generate some code to Tweet a static link. Bah. I spend dozens of hours in Dreamweaver every week, it’s hard to make myself click that icon on personal time (and this “fairly new” MacBook).

Don’t worry. I have plans. I made a list. I still consider this a “work in progress” site, so for now it’s just going to have to keep working as is. Stuff on the list:

1. “Digg this” & “Tweet this” Features
2. Actually posting to the Blog
3. Redo the photo area of the home page (make it clickable)
4. Change around “Comments” functionality. Not sure if it’s really working. (Would anyone like to post a comment? Anyone?)
5. Make sidebar “float”…okay that one is only a ‘maybe’

We’ll see when I get around to some of that. I’m sure once the holidays come I’ll have a day for coding, if I can pull myself away from Left4Dead 2…

If their previous albums were stuck in “the bends”, then The Resistance is Muse’s OK Computer. It’s a welcome step forward for the band, taking their sound into new territory and actually creating a sound of their own. No song on this album comes across as “average”. Each song has its own distinct twist on the dystopian techno-esque Muse style, with subtle nods to bands like Queen, Tears for Fears, INXS, Bowie and yes, Radiohead. But instead of feeling like a lesser knock-off, it comes across as a genuine nod to their influences with their own style emerging as the dominant cohesive sound.

The Resistance is a big album. It feels epic, has many, many strings, and Bellamy’s vocal feats would verge upon overpowering the songs if they weren’t so beautiful. Typically their sound is one that I almost always label as “overproduced”. Do you really need a full band, two vocal tracks, a symphony, synthesizer and backing chorus all in one song?  There’s even a three-part opus at the end called “Exogenesis: Symphony”, which in 14 minutes sort of sums up the album’s themes and major elements as well as showcasing just how big and powerful they can sound, despite super-high-pitched vocals that would make Celine Dion jealous.

I approached the album with a fair bit of skepticism, after being fairly uninterested with their last couple albums after only a few listens. Not so with this one. I’ve been playing it constantly for the past two weeks, and each time I get a little something new out of it. It is a beautiful album, with unique and memorable songs that really do make you stop and remark on the amount of hard work that must have gone into producing an album of this quality – and it was Muse themselves that produced it (a first for the band).

If you have never bought a Muse album before, this is a great place to start. You may enjoy their older catalogue, but this is the album that will stick with you. It has caused me to re-examine my opinion of the band entirely, which is no small feat after four previous attempts. They have proven to me that they are capable of being more than just a band that can replicate the sound that Radiohead outgrew over a decade ago.

Rating: 4/5