Wednesday, April 14, 2004 – 9:53 pm

Week 1: Setbacks & Cutbacks

This week has been all about learning new boundaries. Things that you’d think were pretty trivial are now huge obstacles. My body reacts differently in almost any given situation. I can’t eat the same, I can’t sleep the same. I can’t even walk the same. I have no less than twelve purscriptions; some I take after chemo, some before, some all the time, and I have four lines of defence against nausea and digestion issues. It’s been a long week of figuring out what works and what doesn’t and trying in vain to settle into a new routine.

The one thing that’s become very apparent is that I am no longer in control. I don’t like that. I’ve always been able to control myself and my life and figure out the cause and effect in any given situation. If I have a migraine headache or stomach cramps, it’s probably because I ate or drank something I shouldn’t have. Now I struggle to maintain the most basic daily routine, and I find myself losing the more I go.

The worst part is, this is only the beginning. The first treatment is never the worst, it’s almost always a few treatments in that you really start to be affected by it. I’ve got 7 more treatments over the next 23 weeks, and I doubt I’ll be able to maintain this pace for very long. Short Term Disability is definately going to have to be considered. If the past week is any kind of warning for what’s coming over the next 6 months, I’m in a lot of trouble.

Mood: Confiscated.