(Note: No posts are missing here, I just couldn’t blog about what was going on at the time)

Cough cough go away
Don’t come back some other day
You’ve been here too long
So I’m writing you this song
To tell you that I’m tired of all your shit.

Update: I talked to my doctor about it, and she seems to feel it’s either fibrosis of the lungs (scarring of the lung tissue) or “Radiation Pneumonitis”.

Mood: *hack*

I’m having visions of my Moving Day, and I keep seeing a bunch of people standing in my apartment surrounded by hundreds of boxes, and everyone is saying “There’s no fucking way I’m moving all this crap!”

If anyone wants to help me move, I will exchange a few hours of moving help for as much beer (or liquor or pop) as you can fathomably drink. We’re moving Saturday, February 5th from about 9am until the late afternoon. Please let me know if you want to help and what you want to drink afterwards. Any help appreciated! Bring your friends! I’ll liquor them up too!

Mood: Booze!

In less than 14 hours we’ll know exactly how well the last year went. It’s a pretty daunting concept – that an entire year might have been a rousing success or a complete waste of time and effort.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if it’s bad news. I mean, we’re assuming that it’s good news, of course, but if it’s not I just don’t know how I’m going to react. All that time, the drugs, the prescriptions, the vomiting, the sickness, sadness, lonliness, stress, expense…just the whole deal. I feel like I should get something for my suffering other than, well, MORE suffering.

I know I’m supposed to be thinking positively, but I just can’t help wondering what if it isn’t good news. I haven’t had any good news for a while, and I’m just hoping that I break the streak tomorrow with the word “Remission”. That would be a good day.

So pray/hope/cry/swear/write/sleep/screw/drink for me. I’m off to find out if this nightmare is over, or if it’s just beginning.

Mood: Good?

It took exactly one year and twelve days, but at least for now it’s over. My scan is clean other than the small mass we’ve known about since my second scan in July. With those results in hand my doctors have finally declared that I am in full Remission, and there is no immediate threat to me in any way.

It still hasn’t hit me yet. I don’t “feel” any different than I have for months. I suppose it’s going to take some getting used to—being able to look at people on the street and not be envious of their healthy ignorance towards this horrible affliction. I feel distanced from the rest of the Cancer world, at least a small fraction anyway.

Now I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue unabated through this ol’ thing we like to call Life. New house, new furniture, new outlook on just about everything. It’s difficult for me, as an existentialist, to really dissect what I’m feeling right now. I’m very much beside myself with astonishment and—more importantly—relief. Perhaps in time I’ll do a few happy dances and maybe I’ll even smile once or twice. Who knows. I may even save the World.

Mood: Conqueror.