Tuesday, October 5, 2004 – 1:58 pm

Happiness Reporting for Duty!

FINALLY. I think I might actually be coming out of the funk from last week. I think it was a combination of doing something creative while listening to some damn good tunes. Got my mind off the whole situation, anyway.

I think the problem was that normally my optimism balances out my fears, kind of a Light Side vs. Dark Side battle in my head. The problem is, being told that there’s still a this-and-that chance I could still die, coupled with the idea of more treatment and more time off work just sucked the optimism right out of me – leaving only anxiety and fear.

I’m full of fears. The fear I’m going to die young, the fear of failing, the fear of getting fired. There’s hundreds of ‘em. There really aren’t any special fears that are unique to me – anyone could be afraid of these things. I suppose I have some additional fears like “I’m going to die a slow, lingering death.” But logic and reason teach me that if I spend my whole life worrying about these things, I’m never going to live life at all. I guess my logic went out the window at the thought of spending another three months on my ass playing video games.

This really is as much a mental battle as it is a physical battle. We all die, but most of us don’t see it coming. With cancer, you know as far as YEARS in advance. That’s not for me at all. I want to know about three seconds before it happens, hence my plan to have someone drop a safe on me when I get old and senile.

(Old AND senile. Not just senile. Keep that safe away for a few years.)

Mood: Better?