Thursday, July 15, 2004 – 11:31 pm

100 Days of FUN FUN FUN

So here I am at the 100 day mark. I guess here we all are, aren’t we? Since April 6th I’ve lost the majority of my hair, been nauseous 90% of the time, and haven’t really had a good night’s sleep even though I feel as if I could sleep for years. There are still at LEAST 80 more days to go until I’m done chemotherapy, and probably at least another 20 until I’m officially done this “round”.

I’m going to be honest here, because at Chubbywookie we’re all about being honest, but even with all the people gathered around me (and there are A LOT of you), I feel somewhat alone. It’s not because I don’t FEEL supported, or like I don’t feel there is a lot of support for me – there certainly is. But no one around me is actually going through this, and it makes me feel isolated. Not just isolated – I am growing a distaste towards any public appearance. I’m getting less and less motivated to get out and do things and turning down more and more offers to be social even though the cabin fever is driving me insane. So why wouldn’t the friend/family support be working?

Well, I think maybe that no matter how much everyone cares, it doesn’t make me feel any better, physically. Eventually the physical starts taking over the mental state, as much as I might try to fight the depression, paranoia and frustration.

So what do I do? Giving up is not an option, there’d be too many pissed off people. Distractions don’t work, as much as I’d like them to. I’ve tried every distraction possible ranging from video games to creative exercises to alcohol and strippers (sorry, Mom), but nothing gives me back my normalcy. Nothing can.

I should really be more positive at this point. I’m winning. I’m half-way there. I’m supported more than I ever could have expected. So why do I feel like I’m alone?

Sorry if this post offended anybody. It’s not that I don’t appreciate or want support, I do. I just feel alone sometimes. It’s not you, it’s me!

Mood: Support-Group Bound!