Thursday, July 29, 2004 – 7:58 pm

Less Thinking is More Better

I keep looking at the daily scoreboard and wondering “How the Hell did I make it through the first 80 days that easily?”

There are, of course, a hundred reasons including but not limited to the fact that the chemo didn’t hit quite as hard back then. The other obvious reason is that I was working back then, which was a daily distraction that got me through 8 hours of the day (10 if you include transit time) and brought home a rather comforting paycheck. Now I’m without work and pay and the absence of both seems to have done nothing but add little needed stress into my life.

Now I find it hard to occupy my days. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything long enough to get anything productive done, but I also can’t find anything to occupy my brain. Video games only take you so far out of reality, and they are expensive. I want to be productive and get something done, but when I sit down to actually perform some kind of meaningful task, I get distracted or frustrated too easily.

I can’t even quite explain it. But it’s like you have to write a really important test with your non-writing hand. You know the words (at least you think you do) and you’re pretty sure you know what you have to do, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t get it done the way you want it to. Try it some time. See how it works for you.

I’m also thinking of beginning my “Healing Journey” using some self-help tapes by the same name. I don’t think it’s going to really have any positive effect on my attitude towards this. I’m WAY too cynical to listen to Dr. Babblalot and his 10 messages of self-healing. But at this point I don’t have a whole lot else to do but sit here anyway. The more distractions I can do between now and when I’m better (which I’m told won’t be until at least November by my social worker – Yes, I have a social worker)) will help pass the time. If anybody has any suggestions of non-productive, time-wasteful things I can do, bring ‘em on. I’m all out of ideas…and I think that’s the source of the problem.

Mood: Huh?